Preposterous Post

My day started like any other day, at noon. I awoke to a beautifully warm and sunny day. Bluebirds sang happy tunes out my window. A scantily clad waitress served me a bacon cheeseburger, french fries and chocolate milkshake in bed. I gleefully chomped and slurped my through a high caloric, trans fatty meal as the waitress caressed my feet. Then the alarm went off.

My day actually started as I struggled to open my weary eyes to a bleak and cloudy day. I didn't know it, but the storm clouds were brewin' I slammed off the alarm clock with all the fury I could muster at such an early hour. I stumbled downstairs like a drunk party crasher and in to the kitchen, eager to settle the rumbling in my stomach. The present contents of my refrigerator, yogurt from a houseguest I had last October and a cheese wrapper. I chewed on the cheese wrapper, savouring the remaining taste of cheese, and put it back in the refrigerator. Tomorrow I'll scrape the astro turf-like greenness from the yogurt and chow down.

It was about one o'clock, five hours before I had to be at the playhouse to manage the front of the house for the night's performance of Comedy of Errors. What to do in the meantime? Ding dong ditching my neighbors brought a brief smile to my face, but alas that requires some degree of physical activity, besides it had started to rain a little. Remember storm clouds are brewin'. I settled on an afternoon of baking chocolate chip cookies. Seriously, I bake a tasty cookie.

Dressed in my swanky black uniform, cookies in hand I made my way to Playhouse on Park. The wind blew the light rain through the trees under the darkening sky. Undeterred, I drove through the crappy weather, the business of show must go on.

Just after I passed under the playhouse marquee. Sheets of glass rained down from above. To put it in perspective, I was like an action hero diving away from an explosion in a nick of time. Shards of glass were everywhere. Without hesitation I bounded back outside broom and receptacle in hand. To put in perspective, I was like Batman pulling just the right device from his utility belt.

The wind and rain were picking up, eager theater-goers were arriving. With my booming voice and super hero-like posture, I kept them at bay. In a flash I had dispersed the fallen glass, the crowd roared its approval. Surveying the situation I noticed a huge shard of glass dangling perilously off the marquee. To put it in perspective it was like a tanker truck loaded with explosives teetering on the edge of a cliff. Without regard for my own safety I dashed in to the playhouse and retrieved a large ladder. Hoisting it on my shoulder I raced outside, planted the ladder on the ground an scurried to the top. Just then a gust of wind blew the ladder out from under me. I grabbed on to the marquee as the ladder crashed to the ground. A collective gasp echoed from the crowd below. A concerned colleague raced from the playhouse to snap an iconic picture of my heroic deed.

With a fierce wind and a driving rain, I struggled to grasp the marquee with one hand and reach for the large shard of glass before it could blow across the way injuring some unsuspecting children. I had but one chance to prevent a catastrophe, so with a gymnastic-like kick of my leg, I launched the shard of glass in to the air, it fell through a sewer grate where its razor sharp ferocity would not endanger anyone anymore. I lost my grip and plummeted toward the unforgiving pavement. Like a nimble super hero or a gymnast, I landed on my feet. The crowd rushed to embrace me, hoisting me on their shoulders and parading me down the street as confetti fell from every building. Alas the show would go on!

And then there's the more mundane interpretation. The glass was broken before I got there. I swept it up. It wasn't raining at the time. There was a decent size glass shard half off the marquee. I climbed the ladder and removed it. The concerned colleague did snap a few pictures, which she'll probably use to ridicule me. I do sleep late and I have a bit more food in my refrigerator. I just wanted to set the record straight, in case you believed my preposterous post. If you did, I'd like to sell you some real estate.